Student Life (super short)

Tho I only found that photo from Google, I somehow look similar to it hahahaha!

Anyway! I’m already a third year college student. I’m closet bisexual. I’m a wallflower in our class. A diary of everyone. People trust me, more than I trust myself. I’m a shoulder that everyone can cry upon. Everyone thinks I’m tough and the knight and shinning amour of my friends but little did they know, I’m soft in the inside. Every night, or almost every night, I get messages from my blockmates, opening up their problems. Sometimes, I get surprised since some of them aren’t really the people who talk to me in school. I really don’t know why they trust me so much hahaha luckily, I haven’t broke my promise from anyone.

Typical scenario as closet bi

Typical scenario when a couple (boy-girl) walks in front of me (closet bisexual) and my friends (straight-gurls)

Friends: OMG! Did you see THAT??  What a handsome guy???? The girl is so lucky!!!

In my mind..Me: Her face is so angelic!! I think I’m inlove!!

In reality.. Me: A little. He’s just tall.

And turns out, my girlfriends think I have high standards in choosing a boyfriend but actually, its the girls that I love. HAHA! Why is life as closet bisexual so difficult?

Isang tanong

Mahal mo?
Sige ipaglaban mo. Pero may isang tanong ako sayo…

Hanggang kailan?

Hanggang kailan ka aasa na mamahalin ka niya gaya ng pag mamahal mo sa kanya?

Hanggang kailan kang sisilip silip sa facebook o twitter niya?

Hanggang kailan ka mag titiis sa sakit sa tuwing makikita mo siyang may kasamang iba?

Hanggang kailan mo ipagkakait sa sarili mo yung kaligayahan na deserve mo?

Hanggang kailan ka lalaban?

Hanggang kailan ka mag papakatanga?

Siguro, oras na para maisip mo na sapat na yung panahon na nilaan mo kakahintay sa kanya. Oras na para unahin mo yung happiness mo.

Deserve mo maging masaya.
Deserve mo mag mahal pero, MAS DESERVE MO ang makatanggap ng pagmamahal na katumbas o higit pa sa binibigay mo.

(Oh dba? Sabi ko isang tanong lang, biglang marami pala HAHAHA)

Friends lang tayo (Filipino version)

Mahirap mainlove sa bestfriend, lalo na kung alam mong may gusto siyang iba.

Kahit gaano ko kagusto mag tapat sayo, alam kong hindi magiging tayo.

Yung dream guy mong matangkad, gwapo, may jawline.
at ito ako, matangkad, tamang-ganda (HAHA), walang jawline… at babae.

Kung pwede lang kita yayaing manuod ng “baka bukas” at umamin sayo,
kaso alam kong “no” sagot mo,

Kasi babae ka at babae ako.

at hanggang friends lang tayo.

Closet. A part of me.

I decided to write this blog entry in two languages, English and my country’s language, Filipino (from Philippines)

IN ENGLISH
Why are other people so lucky? The person they’re loving loves them back. Some already met their soulmate and turns out, it is just beside them and then, there’s me. Every day, I’m wondering whether I’ve already met my future partner or will my love interest ever notice me. Why are some so lucky? There is also a reason why everything for me is difficult…. ’cause I’m bisexual. My family hates LGBT, especially my two sisters. They find it disgusting. My parents might stop supporting me in finishing my education so I can’t take risk to come out. In my circle of friends, I was able to reveal my true self to only three. They felt happy, amazed, and shocked. They’re happy since I was able to accept myself and understand my emotions deeper. Amazed, since I had the guts to tell them who really I am and what I like tho it was only through messenger. Lastly, they were shocked because when we were in grade school and high school, guys admire me and my actions are very childish and all I did is to laugh things out. They never imagine and expect I was bisexual but still, nothing change between us four and they love me even more.

IN TAGALOG (Filipino)
Bakit ang swerte ng ibang tao? Mahal sila ng taong mahal nila. Yung iba naman, nasa tabi or nakilala na nila yung taong para sa kanila. Samantalang ako, nag iisip parin kung kailan kaya darating yung para sakin. Umaasang baka mapansin ako ng taong gusto ko. Bakit ang swerte swerete nila? Isa pang rason kung bakit ako sobrang nahihirapan, ayun ay dahil bisexual ako. Hindi ko maamin sa pamilya ko dahil sobrang nandidiri sila sa LGBT. Ayoko naman mapatigil sa pag-aaral ko magalit lalo na mga kapatid ko kaya mag tatago muna ako. Sa mga kaibigan ko naman, may nasabihian na akong tatlo. Natuwa sila, namangha, at nagulat sa balitang dala ko. Natuwa silang nakikilala ko na sarili ko at niyakap ko na kung ano ba talaga ako kahit na patago muna ako sa marami pero atleast may tatlong taong nakakaalam. Namangha, dahil nagawa ko umamin sa kanila kahit na sa messenger ko lang nasabi. Nagulat sila dahil akala nila straight ako dahil sa mga nalink sa akin dati ng highschool at gradeschool. Ang kilos ko rin ay sobrang makulit at puro tawa kaya hindi nila inakalang mag kakagusto ako sa babae.

Only in my dreams.

I never thought this day would come,

I fell in love in a blink of an eye,
You, my friend, my greatest love
a lady I knew last 12th of July

Maybe it was your smile,
maybe it was your eyes,
maybe your sweetness that touched my heart

Sincerity in your heart, which I truly admire
You’re wise like Russel in wonderland,
Your hug gives comfort to saddest hearts,
You are my sunshine in everyday life

How I wish you hear my words,
If only you could see through my walls
painful it is to pretend im not,
In love with a lady I once knew

But reality, I can never escape,
I know I can’t, I know you wouldn’t
a prince is what you want, a lonely truth
You, my friend, my greatest love
The only love I need to hide.

The ONLY WAY to move on.

The only way to move on is to LET GO.

Yes, it will take time. It will take a month,months, or years to move. Don’t be afraid to take much time in fixing yourself because healing is the best and first thing you should do. At first, being single, after a long term relationship, makes you feel uncomfortable since you have that someone always with you to do things. Seeing the things you used to do and buy will make you remember that someone. The places where you hanged-out and enjoyed wasting time. The songs you used to listen and sing together. These things will make you remember everything about that someone. Cry if you must but for you to move on, you need to let go. There is NO such thing as “to forget”. Well, unless you have amnesia, you really can. Let go of the memories. Yes, at your first try, you will definitely remember the things but the more often you try and expose yourself to those things that makes you reminisce, the memories will sooner to fade.

Healing yourself is the only way to be able to love and be loved again. Always prioritize yourself.

PS. If a man does not respect you, he is automatically not THE ONE.